I decided to start a blog about some of my life because it has come to my attention that something is wrong. I have come to a point in my life where I feel like I'm stuck in a revolving door. I do the same thing day in and day out. Nothing ever changes and nothing ever will as long as I don't change anything in my life. I have a dream of going to Charlotte, North Carolina and getting a life involved in NASCAR. The big problem I face is getting there. I am nothing but a small town Texas girl with no money to her name and barely any experience in the racing world. I have no way to get there. My controlling mother doesn't want me to do anything that will give me control over my life. I feel trapped like an animal at a zoo. I feel like my mother just wants to be able to show me and say look at how well she behaves, how wonderful she is, just like the tigers you see behind glass. The last time I went to the zoo I felt a connection with the trapped animals because I started to realize I am in the same situation they are. I'm trapped and must somehow find my way out. I must fight and struggle through to make it where I want to be. Here lately I have started to realize that I might have a slight case of depression. All the time I feel like nothing in my life is going right. I feel like everyone in the world is trying to set me back from my goal. I seem to be having more bad days than I am good days. I never really seem to have a day where I feel happy the whole time. When I am around certain people I seem to be in a better mood, but as soon as they leave I'm back down. I just want to be happy again. I have thought several times what it would be like if I killed myself and it seems like not many people will miss me. The one thing that keeps me here is by killing myself I would never prove my mother wrong about being able to make it to NASCAR. I would be telling her that I was a coward. I need away from this destructive lifestyle. I can't stay here and let myself fall into this black pit of self-hate and death. I have to get away and survive. My time to go out and be myself is now.
